The Fisherboy’s Follies
A Portrait of the Fisherman as a Young Man (A Romeo in Hormones’ Clothing)
(Main characters in boldface)
Sea Captains 1,2,3
Friendly Family Father
Frienldy Family Mother
Maya, the Girl of Charlie’s Dreams
Scene One (In which Mr. Marigold gives some good advice)
Sea Captain 1: Something happens.
Sea Captain 2: Some other things happen.
Sea Captain 3: A fish winks at a lobster.
Sea Captain 1: It is early springtime in Kumbaya, Maine. The locals are preparing for the onslaught of tourists and vacationers. Yar.
Mr. Marigold: Hey Charlie, come ere, I wanna show ya somethin’.
Charlie: What is it, Dad?
Sea Captain 1: Charlie, a young fisherman learning the ropes, comes running down the dock to greet his father.
Mr. Marigold: You see that sea, Charlie? You’re still young but you can still see, can’t ya’?
Charlie: Sure I can see.
Mr. Marigold: Look past all of it, Charlie. Way out past the horizon there. Squint if ya’ have ta.
Charlie: (squinting) What am I looking for?
Mr. Marigold: Look past the sunspots and past the illusions; past all the grim monkey faces and graceful ballerinas …
Mr. Marigold: There’s heaven and hell out there Charlie. Mark my words and don’t you forget ‘em. If ya wanna be a fisherman like your old man someday, you have to start learnin’ to distinguish between the two.
Sea Captain 2: Charlie smiles wide and grabs a medium sized trout from a bucket. He smacks his Dad across the face with it.
Charlie: (yells as he runs away) Sounds more like I oughtta be learnin’ to distinguish between sanity and madness.
Mr. Marigold: (yells after his son) Very well, boy! You’ve been warned! … Nice fish slap, son!
Scene Two (In which Charlie falls in love)
Sea Captain 3: Charlie runs all the way back to the Kumbaya Friendly Family Inn. His mother is checking in a family from …
Friendly Family Father: That’s right. How’d you know that?
Mrs. Marigold: That’s Charlie! He has a gift. He can guess where any family is from with 99% accuracy.
Friendly Family Mother: What happened to the other 1%?
Charlie: I have a raging fear of perfection.
Sea Captain 1: Charlie smiles wide, revealing a head full of sparkling teeth.
Sea Captain 2: Somewhat frightened by his gargantuan grin, the friendly parents turn back to the business at hand.
Sea Captain 3: Charlie turns around to leave when he finds himself face to face with the girl of his dreams.
Charlie: I love you.
Girl of Charlie’s Dreams: What?
Girl of Charlie’s Dreams: Did you say that you love me?
Charlie: Love you?!? I’m 13! What do I know about love? No, I said “elephant shoes”.
Girl of Charlie’s Dreams: (unbelieving) Elephant shoes?
Charlie: Yeah. Read my lips. El-e-phant Shoes. See, it looks like I love you when really … no.
Girl of Charlie’s Dreams: Why did you say elephant shoes?
Charlie: Elephant’s don’t wear shoes. They’re nocturnal.
Girl of Charlie’s Dreams: No they aren’t!
Mrs. Marigold: Charlie, why don’t you show these good people to their room?
Friendly Family Father: I’m sure we can find it ourselves, it’s not a big place.
Mrs. Marigold: Don’t be silly, Charlie is an excellent bellboy! Besides, he has to do something to earn his keep.
Friendly Family Father: Very well then. Come along, Maya.
Charlie: Your name is Maya?
Maya: (sarcastically) Nice deduction.
Charlie: My name is Charlie.
Maya: (sarcastically) Really? I hadn’t picked up on that yet.
Sea Captain 1: Maya and her parents begin to walk away. As they turn the corner, Mrs. Marigold winks at Charlie.
Mrs. Marigold: I think she likes you, Charlie.
Sea Captain 2: Charlie picks up their bags and winks back at his mother before heading into the Inn. Yar.
Scene Three (In which Charlie nearly earns a little less than a dollar)
Sea Captain 3: Charlie has walked the friendly family to their room. He inserts the card key in the slot and opens the door.
Sea Captain 1: A radiant beam of sunlight shines through the window, through the room, and into the travelers’ eyes, momentarily blinding them. As they adjust to the light, they make their way into the room.
Charlie: It’s small, but we like to call it home.
Friendly Family Mother: Oh, do you live here in the Inn?
Charlie: No … yes … no …
Maya: Well which is it?
Charlie: Which is what?
Maya: Do you live in the Inn or don’t you?
Charlie: Not today. Yesterday we lived in the Inn. Today we live out the out.
Maya: Is that humor?
Charlie: It was meant to be.
Maya: Charming, I’m sure.
Sea Captain 2: The friendly family father makes his way over to Charlie. He reaches into his pocket for some lose change.
Friendly Family Father: Well thank you very much, young man.
Charlie: Oh, no thank you, sir. I cannot take your money.
Friendly Family Father: Preposterous! You provided us with a service and you should be rewarded. Here’s (he counts out the change in his hand) … 25, 35, 36, 46, 71, 76 cents for a job well done.
Charlie: Thank you very much sir, but I must persist. I have already been paid … in other ways.
Sea Captain 3: Charlie makes googly eyes at Maya.
Friendly Family Mother: Excuse me?
Charlie: Oh, um, my Mother pays me in advance. Enjoy your stay!
Sea Captain 1: Charlie exits the room and shuts the door behind him. The friendly family father is left standing there with 76 cents in his dangling hand.
Sea Captain 2: Charlie’s heart is beating like a hummingbird’s after his third cup of coffee. About to faint, he leans slowly back against the door.
Charlie: (whispering) Her name … is Maya.
Sea Captain 3: The friendly family father opens the door quickly and Charlie falls backwards onto the ground.
Friendly Family Father: Oh, hello again Charlie. You saved me a walk. Here …
Sea Captain 1: The friendly family father drops all the change onto Charlie’s stomach.
Friendly Family Father: I’m not one of those cheapskate numbskull droll-abouts who flees from providing good and sensible wages for a job … well … done, I suppose.
Sea Captain 2: Charlie jumps up and collects the 76 cents from the ground.
Friendly Family Father: Just don’t go spending it all in one place.
Sea Captain 3: Charlie gives his signature grin again as the door shuts quietly in his face.
Charlie: (exhaling cautiously) Maya …
Scene Four (In which Charlie buys a soda)
Sea Captain 1: Charlie’s head is light. Air flows in and out of it. He glides down the hall and finds himself in front of the soda machine.
Sea Captain 2: He reaches into his pocket and retrieves 75 cents of the 76 cent tip.
Charlie: No sir, I won’t spend it all in one place.
Sea Captain 3: Charlie plinks the money into the machine and selects himself a Sprite. He clicks it and sips it. The fizz tickles his nose.
Sea Captain 1: A bucket has been left precariously on the edge of the top of the ice machine. The ice has melted and left a pool of cold water. Charlie takes out his remaining penny and rolls it between his fingers.
Charlie: Well, it’s not a wishing well, but it will have to do. (He ponders on a wish for a moment.) I wish … I wish … I wish for a lifetime of fishes and wishes.
Sea Captain 2: Charlie flicks his penny at the ice bucket. It flies through the air and hits the bucket on its side. The bucket comes crashing down to the floor and the cold water escapes in a splash.
Charlie: (screams) Ahh!
Sea Captain 3: Charlie whisks around to face the girl of his dreams once again.
Charlie: (catching his breath) What are you … why are you … how are you … when did you … where have you … hi.
Maya: Hi. Nice shot.
Charlie: Thanks. I meant to do that.
Maya: Yeah right. You were aiming for the inside. I heard your wish.
Charlie: Oh, you did. Um …
Maya: Are you a fisherman?
Charlie: Oh, um, no, not exactly. I’m more like a fisherman in training.
Maya: So you’re a fisherboy?
Charlie: No! No! No! I’m um … uhhhhh …
Maya: I think fishermen are cute.
Charlie: I’m a fisherman. Yup. Sure am. Always have been, always will be. That’s me. Fisherman Extraordinaire. There never was a man more fisher than I. No sirree.
Maya: (grabbing Charlie’s hand) Come on. We have to hurry. I want you to show me how to fish.
Sea Captain 1: Charlie is dragged away by the girl of his dreams. She pulls him down the stairs and out the back door.
Charlie: But what about your parents?
Maya: What about them? They won’t even notice I’m gone. Come on, take me to the ocean. Take me away.
Charlie: Listen, um. Maybe we should stop and think about this for a second.
Maya: What’s to think about? We’re young, we’re fun, we’re crazy!
Charlie: Yeah … OK.
Sea Captain 2: Charlie and Maya run down to the dock. Charlie looks around for his father. He sees him far off on the pier. A gust of wind carries his father’s voice to Charlie.
Mr. Marigold’s Voice: …and the most wickedest part of it was that the darn things had on these phony moustaches! Or at least… I think they were phony…
Maya: Is this your boat?
Sea Captain 3: Maya is pointing to a pathetic looking thing in the water.
Charlie: It’s a skiff, actually.
Maya: Well is this your skiff then?
Charlie: Yeah. Yeah, that’s my skiff. All mine. Nobody else’s that’s for sure.
Maya: Ooh, look, it’s already got all the stuff in it.
Charlie: It’s called tackle…
Maya: If you insist!
Sea Captain 1: Maya runs straight at Charlie. She tackles him and they fall off the dock into the skiff.
Scene Five (In which the fishy season begins)
Sea Captain 2: The little skiff has taken Charlie and Maya far out into the sea. The land has disappeared and the only sound is the peaceful drone of the loud, annoying motor.
Maya: It’s nice out here.
Charlie: (screams over the motor) WHAT?
Maya: (screams) I SAID IT’S NICE OUT HERE.
Charlie: (screams) THANKS! I THINK YOUR SHOES ARE PRETTY, TOO!
Maya: (screams) YOU CAN PROBABLY TURN THE MOTOR OFF NOW.
Charlie: (screams) I HAVE A BETTER IDEA … I’M GOING TO TURN THE MOTOR OFF.
Sea Captain 3: Charlie turns the motor off and suddenly, there is dead silence.
Charlie: Alright. Let’s have ourselves a fishnic!
Maya: A what?
Charlie: You know, a fishnic … It’s like a picnic with …
Maya: (sarcastically) … Fish, yeah, I got it. Is that what they teach you at Fisherboy school? How to be dopey?
Charlie: I’m not dopey! Look, do you wanna learn how to fish or not?
Maya: (overly excited) YES I DOOOO!!!!
Charlie: Nice enthusiasm. I like that.
Maya: I thought you might.
Charlie: OK then … grab a handful of worms from that bucket behind you.
Maya: Eww! What? No way!
Charlie: First lesson of fishing: If you want to learn how to fish, you’re going to have to get your hands dirty.
Maya: (sarcastically) That’s deep.
Charlie: Yeah, I guess it kind of is. My Dad taught me that.
Maya: What else did your Dad teach you?
Charlie: Pretty much everything.
Maya: Has he ever been wrong?
Sea Captain 1: Charlie thinks about the question for a moment.
Charlie: No … not really no …
Maya: Your Dad sounds all right.
Sea Captain 2: Charlie shakes off this idea.
Charlie: He’s a loony. Anyway, hand me the bucket.
Sea Captain 3: Maya makes a face of disgust as she hands the bucket of worms to Charlie. Charlie grabs a handful of worms.
Devil Fish: Throw them at her.
Devil Fish: Throw the worms at her, Charlie. She’ll love you for it.
Righteous Fish: Don’t do it Charlie! It’s not right!
Charlie: What the …
Sea Captain 1: Charlie turns around and takes a look at the water near his skiff. Two fishes sporting handlebar moustaches give him a simultaneous wink.
Maya: Who are you talking to, Charlie?
Sea Captain 2: Charlie’s head gets even lighter now. The air flow makes his brain spin.
Devil Fish: I do believe that the boy will pass out.
Righteous Fish: I do believe you are right.
Sea Captain 3: And that’s just what he does. Yar.
Scene Six (In which Charlie faces a perplexing dilemma)
Sea Captain 1: Charlie opens his eyes and looks up into the beautiful face of Maya, the girl of his dreams. She is shining with the light from above.
Charlie: What happened?
Maya: You passed out. I had to slap you with a fish.
Charlie: A fish … what?
Sea Captain 2: Charlie sits up in the skiff and sees the fish that Maya is holding. It is the Devil Fish.
Devil Fish: That really hurt, Charlie. You’d better do something about this girl or I’m going to.
Charlie: (to the Devil Fish) Why are you talking to me?
Maya: (drops the Devil Fish) Um, hello? Who am I going to talk to out here? The fish?
Devil Fish: Easy on the crazy talk, Charlie. You’re starting to sound like a psycho.
Charlie: (to Maya) How did you catch that fish?
Maya: It was pretty easy. I saw him swimming by the side of the skiff and I just grabbed him by his moustache and pulled him in.
Devil Fish: By my whiskers, Charlie! By my whiskers!
Charlie: And then … you slapped me with him?
Maya: Him? I slapped you with it. How can you tell it’s a him?
Charlie: Um … The moustache gives him away.
Devil Fish: In my school, I’m actually considered quite handsome.
Charlie: Where’s the other one?
Maya: What other one?
Righteous Fish: (from the water) Yoo Hoo!
Sea Captain 2: Charlie looks into the water.
Righteous Fish: Don’t listen to a word he says! Follow your heart, Charlie, not the advice of a fish.
Devil Fish: Well by that advice, why should he listen to you either?
Sea Captain 3: The Righteous Fish thinks about this for a moment.
Righteous Fish: Touché.
Charlie: The fish are talking to me.
Maya: Of course they are, silly! That means you’re a true fisherman!
Devil Fish: Oh that’s rich.
Maya: What are they saying to you?
Righteous Fish: But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Charlie: But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Maya: Ah me … you have found my weakness.
Charlie: I did?
Maya: Shakespeare always turns me to goo!
Devil Fish: Eww.
Righteous Fish: Aww. You should kiss her now, Charlie!
Devil Fish: Throw the worms at her, Charlie!
Charlie: I’m getting mixed messages.
Maya: What do you mean?
Charlie: Well … for starters … who are you? One minute you’re making fun of me and the next minute you’re swooning under my spell. Do you like me or are you using me as a tour guide in your own selfish fish-capade?
Maya: Fish-capade! Ha!
Devil Fish: She’s using you! Throw the worms!
Righteous Fish: She likes you, Charlie. She really likes you. Kiss her now or lose her forever!
Charlie: Secondly, in one ear I’m hearing that I should kiss you and the other I’m hearing that I should throw worms at you.
Maya: That would be rather disagreeable to me, Charlie.
Charlie: Which one? The kiss or the worms?
Maya: You have to figure it out for yourself.
Sea Captain 3: Charlie looks at the Righteous Fish in the water. The Righteous Fish shrugs.
Righteous Fish: You’re on your own, man.
Sea Captain 1: Charlie looks at the Devil Fish in the skiff. The Devil Fish shrugs.
Devil Fish: I really don’t care anymore. But I am having a little trouble breathing. Do you think you could hurry this up and throw me back in the water?
Sea Captain 2: Charlie’s mind races. He hears his father’s and mother’s voice in his head.
Mr. Marigold’s Voice Inside Charlie’s Head: There’s heaven and hell out there Charlie, and you have to start learnin’ to distinguish between the two.
Mrs. Marigold’s Voice Inside Charlie’s Head: I think she likes you, Charlie. 99% accuracy.
Maya: (puckering up) Well, Charlie? What will it be?
Righteous Fish: Kiss.
Devil Fish: Worms.
Righteous Fish: Kiss.
Devil Fish: Worms.
Righteous Fish: Kiss.
Devil Fish: Worms.
Sea Captain 3: Charlie sees the decision as if it is as clear as the bright, blue day. He bends over and grabs a handful of worms. Bringing them to his mouth, his huge smile kisses them. The worms are cold and slimy.
Righteous Fish: (sarcastically) Bravo.
Devil Fish: That’s it, I’m outta here.
Sea Captain 1: The Devil Fish manages to flop his body up and over the side of the skiff. He hits the water and swims away with the Righteous Fish.
Devil Fish: See you in the funny papers, Charlie!
Righteous Fish: See you in the loony bin, Charlie!
Charlie: Not if I see you first!
Sea Captain 2: Charlie turns back to face the girl of his dreams. She is frowning and looks rather distraught.
Maya: Take me home, Charlie.
Sea Captain 3: Charlie drops the worms and guns the motor.
Scene Seven (In which all is resolved or not)
Sea Captain 1: It is seven days later and Charlie sits on the edge of the dock with his feet dangling over the water.
Sea Captain 2: Mr. Marigold walks over to Charlie as he stuffs his handkerchief into his overalls pocket.
Mr. Marigold: Don’t tell me you’re still pining over the one that got away, son?
Charlie: I can’t help it, Dad. She’s the girl of my dreams.
Mr. Marigold: Well then maybe you oughtta wake up now, dontchya think? She’s nothing but trouble from the sounds of it!
Charlie: I had a chance and I blew it! I kissed worms, Dad!
Mr. Marigold: Yeah well, that is a little peculiar, I’ll give you that. But you said that the fish were controllin’ ya, right? You were all messed up in your head! You can’t blame yourself, for your actions, Charlie. It’s like I’ve always told ya … it’s heaven and hell out there.
Sea Captain 3: Mrs. Marigold walks over to her fishermen.
Mrs. Marigold: Leave the boy alone, Dad. He’ll do better next time.
Charlie: There won’t be a next time. The dream is over.
Sea Captain 1: Charlie gets up and sadly walks away. He heads down the pier with his head hanging down. Mr. Marigold puts his arm around Mrs. Marigold and they watch him walk away.
Sea Captain 2: Charlie walks down to the parking lot of the Kumbaya Friendly Family Inn. He hears a horn beep and he looks up to see the friendly family father driving toward him.
Friendly Family Father: Thanks for a great week, Charlie. We had a ton of fun! We’ll see you next year!
Sea Captain 3: The friendly family drives past Charlie slowly. Charlie manages a weak smile when he sees Maya’s face appear in the back window.
Maya: (mouths out these words) Elephant shoes.
Sea Captain 1: Charlie lights up instantly and reveals every tooth in his face. His smile reaches the heavens as his sour mood fades away. Laughing loudly and loving it, he watches as the girl of his dreams drives away.
Mr. Marigold: Hey!
Sea Captain 2: Charlie turns around to face his father. Mr. Marigold slaps Charlie playfully with a fish.
Mr. Marigold: Now we’re even.
Sea Captain 3: Mr. Marigold sprints away and Charlie chases after him into the cool, Kumbaya sunset. Yar.
The above is the ridiculous property of Bryon Cahill. Any attempt to steal any or all of the highly intellectual integrity found herein will be laughed at, profoundly. Also, it wouldn’t hurt you to visit Kumbaya. It’s tourist season there now and I hear the fish are jumping. — BC